I am Mogwai, and I am a sweater addict. I would like to welcome you to the Monday morning Sweater Addicts Annonymous meeting. It’s been two weeks, four days, and twelve hours since my last fashion faux pas.
I think my dress confusion stems from my hound-dog lineage that prevents me from growing a thick winter fur coat. It can’t possibly derive from my current living situation, which involves central heat and air in my climate controled house. These items are necessities in my life, as my humans would suffer greatly without and I always make their comfort my first concern even when it inconveniences my own needs, because I’m a good caregiver like that.
For example, a few months ago, one of the humans felt the need to rearrange the living room, and moved my throne from its prime position by the front window. This position had allowed me to maintain my command post and view any squirrels who might trespass in my yard. From my post, I could easily spring into action and erradicate the trespassers before they could bring harm to the family whose protection I am charged with. True, it is more difficult to monitor squirrel insurgents now, but in retrospect, I admit there is a chance that I may have become lax while working from an overstuffed leather recliner. But I digress…
I fear that my primary addiction, fabric softener, may be the root cause of my sweater addiction. One cannout expect the head of security to lay in a bed smelling of unwashed dog. Since I have convinced my humans to properly launder my linens, they have enlightened me to the delights of fabric softener. One time won’t hurt anything, I naively thought, but then I had to tell myself that the second time couldn’t cause any harm either. But then I found myself becoming irratible when I went more than a few days between my fabric softener fixes. Often times I even grew itchy and moody waiting for the freshly laundered materials to emerge from the clothes dryer. It wasn’t until several weeks later that I finally realized an addiction had formed.
I have been strong these last few weeks, while this abnormally warm January has made it uncomfortable for sweater wearing, but I fear that a cold front will weaken my resolve. Through these SAA meetings, and my FSA meetings I have been able to keep both addictions in check, but cold weather will take every ounce of inner strength I have to fight my cravings. In an effort to fortify my will to resist, I will now begin chasing tennis balls compulsively to distract myself from sweater cravings.