Over the years Brinn and I have met and boated with many married paddlers, but we’ve also met just as many single boaters. Most of these single boaters have been men. Men who insist that they just aren’t ready to tie themselves down with families. They try to insist that they’re having more fun with unincumbered lives and no one to report in it. Well, guys, I think you may have it wrong. Some days it seems to me that Brinn carefully calculated his plan to marry a boater, but one who was not quite as confident at paddling as he. As I sit here typing today, while he is out on the water, let me explain to you why Brinn has it better than you do.
Ten Reasons Why all Guys Should Start a Family with a Boater Gal
1. Boater gals get it. They understand and appreciate your need to boat.
It’s 80 degrees outside, and raining. During Tennessee’s dryest season, early fall, boaters scarecly find local water. The idea of a paddling trip on a local creek with natural flow is as elusive as a unicorn. When the water levels come up, you’ve got to be ready to jump on it, regardless of what’s going on in your life. Most women won’t understand your need to leave her with a peck on the cheek as you cinch down NRS straps on your boat. But boater gals are different. Not only do we get it, we also encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity. When she sees a Facebook image of your local gauge, not only does she actually know how to interpret the levels, but she also offers to help you pack your gear to help you get to the creek more quickly.
2. She’ll let you go boat even when she can’t.
Now you may argue, if she’s a boater, won’t she expect you to stay behind and watch the kiddo while you go boat? To be honest with you, the answer will be yes, sometimes; but this is the reason why you only marry a girl who boats slightly below your level. This way, when the big local runs come up, she’ll encourage you to take advantage of the run. You can be a hero and offer to stay home with junior so she can go paddle, but she’ll likely decline: “Well, I’ve just not felt as confident on my roll since having junior. I just don’t think I’m quite ready to go back down that run just yet.” Or… “You know, I just don’t feel comfortable running class fours without you there to run sweep. It would really just be better for you to go.” From time to time you will have to return the service and allow her to go out on one of her runs, but mostly she’ll let you take advantage of the class V’s when the opportunity presents itself.
3. She knows how to tie down boats!
Short on time? Worried that the group will leave you? No worries, your awesome wife can cinch a boat down with straps or ropes, whichever is most handy. You go inside to change, and come back out to find your boat already tied to her racks with your paddle inside her car.
4. You have a permanent shuttle bunny.
Not only will an awesome boater wife let you play while she takes care of junior, she may even offer to help your group set shuttle. Instead of figuring out whose car will stay at bottom, and which car boats need to ride up on, and who is going to bring you back on the top at the end, wifey will let all of you throw your boats on top of her car and squeeze in around junior’s carseat as she drives all of your extremely fortunate rears to the top. Then, when you finish your run, you all have your cars at bottom with no fears of dry clothes being forgotten at the top.
5. When you return home with paddling stories, you actually have someone to share them with.
All boaters share every detail of their trip with anyone who listen, with hand gestures to indicate the angle of the boat, rock, and/or current included. Most victims of these stories begudgingly sit through the tales while their eyes glaze and their minds wonder if they need to pick up dental floss after work tomorrow. Boater wives, however, will listen to your stories, and even ask questions in the right parts! They’ll want to know if the wood in Big Daddy has flushed out yet. Did you get a good stern squirt across any eddy lines? How does the new paddle feel? How pushy is this level?
6. There’s a good chance you’ll come home to a hot meal.
Boater wives understand how many calories you burn while paddling. We also understand that there’s something about water that causes ravenous hunger. When traveling a great distance to catch a dam release, there’s usually a pizza stop following the paddle. There are no pizza places in the woods around the isolated local creeking runs. Therefore, boater wives scury home to feed junior and prep a warm, belly filling dinner to greet you when you walk in the door.
7. She knows how to take care of your gear.
It’s easy to forget about your drytop when you’re out paddling in your bare skin during the hot summer months, but no worries! While you may neglect your own equipment, wifey is diligently maintaining her own. While she has the bottle of 303 out, she will probably go ahead and treat your wrist gaskets as well as her own.
8. If you break stuff, you can borrow hers.
Snap a paddle on Daddy’s Creek? No worries, you can use hers until a new comes in. Hers probably has a fresh coating of sex wax on the shaft already, anyway.
9. You won’t have to do as many boring runs.
The group wants to run a class II? It’s too bad you don’t have a baby sitter for junior. One of you will have to sit it out, but that’s okay. You got to run OBJ last week, so you’ll take one for the team and let her go run Barnett to Jett while you and junior get in
some much needed couch surfing and watching the back of your eye lids.
10. On the rare day that you find a babysitter, you have a paddling partner!
Every now and then, you’ll get lucky and a friend or grandparent will ask to have junior for the day. When this happens, you are guarenteed a paddling partner!